Infertility & Mental Health

If you’ve experienced any struggles with fertility, you’re likely already well aware that it can have significant impacts on your mental health. I was in the thick of infertility for about two and a half years before conceiving via IVF, and I can tell you that those were a couple of the most challenging years that I’ve experienced. Let’s dive into why fertility struggles hit our mental health so hard.

Why Are Fertility Struggles So Hard?

Uncertainty

Uncertainty is hard for us in any circumstance, but it can be especially impactful with something so significant as growing our family. If you are struggling with fertility, you may feel like you don’t know what the future holds. Will you be able to have children? Will you need treatment? How long will it take to grow your family? What’s the timeline for my life? These questions feel like they are hanging in the balance and take away any sense of control that you can have in regards to growing your family.

Treatment

Uff da, fertility treatment is no joke. Not everyone who goes through fertility struggles goes through treatment, but for those that do- you are going through a lot. I went through four failed IUIs and one (thankfully successful) round of IVF. These treatments take a huge toll. When going through fertility treatment, we are investing so much of our time, finances, energy, and body into something that we aren’t sure will work. The stakes of uncertainty can feel so much more intense during treatment cycles. We may be trying to remain hopeful, but also understandably struggling with fear and doubt.

Trauma

Those who go through any fertility struggles are likely to hit some trauma. It can feel very traumatic to put so much energy into something that doesn’t seem to be moving forwards. Living life while not knowing what the future holds can certainly bring up “why me” questions. We start to wonder what is wrong with me, or what have I done to mean that I don’t get to grow my family in the way or timeline that I wanted. We may view ourselves and the world in different and scarier ways due to our experience.

Grief

Grief holds a lot of space in infertility and loss. You are grieving the timeline that you once thought your life would hold. You are grieving the simplicity that your life and your relationships used to have. You are grieving the potential loss of what your future may be. You are grieving failed cycles and may also be grieving failed treatments or pregnancy losses.

Relationship Impacts

Fertility struggles can bring some unique impacts to relationships. If you are going through this with a partner, that relationship may feel like it has changed a lot. Intimacy may feel focused on this goal that you both feel stuck in, communication may feel extra messy, and quality time may feel like it is becoming less and less frequent. Outside relationships can also take a hit as well. Due to struggles with infertility, it makes sense that you may not be able to show up and connect with friends and family in the same way that you used to. You may also have loved ones who just don’t get what you’re going through- which can create distance in those relationships. As humans are social creatures, impacts in relationships will certainly hold a lot of weight on our mental health.

How Can We Hold Space For Ourselves While We Are Going Through It?

Seek Support

Fertility struggles are a lot to hold, and it’s normal to need help holding space for it all. I find therapy to be a useful tool in any time of transition, and especially helpful when dealing with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. I would recommend finding a therapist with expertise or at least familiarity in the area that you are struggling with. Therapy or process groups are also a great way to gain support and talk with people who get what you’re going through. Additionally, building a strong support system in your life can be very impactful. Practicing vulnerability around fertility struggles can be very challenging, so start off with those who have previously been effective in providing support for you.

Boundaries

I can’t emphasize enough how important boundaries are. When building your support system, you may find that you have certain family members or friends who just can’t get it. This doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad support system, but may not understand your experience enough to be a helpful support system on this topic. Of course, we can let people know what we need, but it’s also okay to choose who we want to talk about our experience with and who we do not want to be as open with about it.

Self-Care

I know, self-care is thrown out like a cure-all to everything these days, but I can’t emphasize enough how important self-care is while you are struggling with fertility. You are going through a lot, and you deserve practices that help you feel supported. If you’re not sure where to start with self-care, I always recommend beginning with routines. It may seem simple or not impactful, but making sure we are getting enough sleep, eating nourishing foods, and moving our bodies can make a huge difference for our mental health. Self-care can also involve connecting with nature, doing body work that we enjoy (such as a massage or acupuncture), taking breaks from technology or social media, as well as doing activities that we enjoy.

Connecting To Joy

This one is way easier said than done. So, let me start off by saying that you don’t always have to feel connected to joy. You are allowed to have days/weeks that you are just feeling stuck. It’s normal to feel angry, sad, anxious, defeated, hopeless, or whatever unpleasant emotion shows up with this. And- those emotions can co-exist with joy. Putting some energy towards doing things that fill you up is important in this journey. Maybe you take a weekend trip with your partner and leave the fertility struggles at home. Maybe you pick up a new hobby that keeps you focused. Or, maybe you take some breaks from trying to get pregnant when you need to. My experience with infertility involved an 8 month break from treatment- this was so helpful for me to focus on other things in my life rather than feel stuck with this one goal that felt impossible.

Final Thoughts

Fertility struggles are A LOT. You deserve to be seen and supported.

If you are in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, check out my therapy page to see if you would be interested in working together.

If you’d like a little more on infertility, you can check out my podcast episode: Infertility and Mental Health.