Are your goals leaving you feeling connected or critical with yourself?

I figured I would write a bit about my thoughts on goals since they are a hot topic with the recent new year!

As a therapist, I think goals can be great! When we have goals that are related to our authentic values, we can figure out important action steps to take so that we are growing in a direction that is important to us.

But… Here Is Where The Debate Comes In… Do Goals Always Help Us Grow In Ways That Are Important To Us?

Due to the critical and fast paced nature of our world, it is common for goals to be rigid, harsh, and disconnected from who we are. We are constantly being fed ideas of what we should be in our media. New Years Resolutions become an invitation to change ourselves into what we think the world wants from us.

Many people end up setting goals so that they can be better employees as they work longer hours, while others set goals around how to be more “attractive” by going on fad diets. Society tells us that if we want to be more worthy, we should be setting goals to conform to what the media is portraying. It’s no surprise that these goals don’t help us grow in the ways that are important to us- because our true values have little to do with it.

Shift Your Goals To Focus On Connecting With Yourself Rather Than Criticize Yourself

One way to figure out if our goal is authentic to us or driven by society is to get curious about how it makes us feel. Does your goal help you feel connected to your personal values? Does your goal give you a feeling of hope? Does your goal give you some warm fuzzies or lightness? Then, it’s probably an authentic goal. It’s not to say that we will necessarily feel super positive about every authentic goal, some goals are related to things that can feel really tough (for example, going to therapy to process grief), but typically there is something that we can feel within us that tells us this goal is good for us.

On the other hand, we can also tune into cues to let us know if a goal is more societally driven. Does you goal bring up thoughts that are critical of yourself? Does you goal leave you feeling like things will be better if you could just change who you are? Does your goal leave you feeling like you will be more worthy if you achieve it, and less worthy if you don’t? Well, those are signs that you might need to shift your goal. Sometimes, even inauthentic goals will leave us feeling positive- because we feel like we have figured out the way to be loved.

So, now is the time to get curious. What thoughts and emotions come up as you imagine your goal? What is the true meaning behind it? What will this goal help you feel more connected to?

So, How Can I Create Goals That Are More Authentic To Me?

Check In With Your Values

Starting with your values can be a great place to start. Once you have a good idea of what your values are, then you can start to explore what ways you would like to connect with those values. For example, if you have a value of relationships, you may set a goal around spending more quality time with your loved ones.

Make Sure Your Goal Is Flexible

Even a goal set from your values can lead to self-criticism if the goal is too rigid. This doesn’t mean we can’t have specific goals, for example, if running brings you joy and you are working to focus on running more, you may set a goal to work up to running a certain number of miles. Great! This could be a fun way to keep track of your favorite activity. But, you might need to be flexible with it too. If you get an injury, notice that you are feeling burned out by running, or feel like you are being controlled by your running schedule- then adjust it. Needing to change a goal is not a failure- in fact, it is a beautiful example of learning about ourselves and honoring what we truly need.

Focus On Themes And Intentions

I love to focus on themes and intentions when I am goal setting. I personally set a theme for the year around each new year as I find that as a reflective place to connect to myself and my values. I will pick a word that resonates with what I want to connect with most, and throughout the year I can focus on different intentions that relate to this theme. For 2023, I am choosing the word “present”. This can mean a lot of different things in terms of actions, so I reflected on what this will look like in core areas of my life, and I can readjust it throughout the year as needed.

Want To Dig In More?

I have a free 7-page workbook on New Years reflections and intention setting. You can access this along with all of my other freebies by subscribing to my monthly Wellness Newsletter.